Seven Seas of Citations
“Terrifying winds rocked the cabin!" the captain's voice boomed from his perch. "Heavy rain pelted the windows. The wheel jerked back and forth as we tried to keep her straight and true. We were naught but thirty miles from port when we ran aground on the island." His voice echoed off dispassionate faces in the crowd.
The captain continued, "you won’t believe me, but a blue whale burst from our starboard and we struck its broadside, causing our vessel to climb the rocky shores and put us out of action. But we took out the beast in the process!” he laughed, heartily. “And the darndest thing, a white jellyfish jumped aboard, ballooned four times its size, then smacked me hard across the face!”
“And is that why you are wearing that eye patch?” the judge inquired, her head cocked.
“What? No, it’s so I can quickly adjust to darkness if I go below deck,” he replied.
“So you were wearing it at the time of the incident?”
“Of course,” he retorted, “what kind of captain would I be if I weren't?”
The judge sighed. “Carry on please.”
“So next thing I remember I was lying on the wet grass, my first mate shielding me from the frozen rain with his fancy umbrella, and the local constabulary demanded my lemon juice.”
“Thank you, that will be all Mr. Beard, you may return to your seat.”
“That’s Captain to you,” he muttered as he hobbled from the stand.
“The court will note that the results from said urine test contained no traces of alcohol or drugs,” stated an officer.
“Your honour, if I may?” the voice of a gentleman from the back queried.
The judge beckoned with her hand. “Name, please?”
“Simon Whitford, your honour.”
“He’s my First Mate and Navigator!” the captain added. The judge ignored his comment.
“Step forward please,” asked the judge
“I would just like to add my story of the events if I may,” a nod from the Judge prompted him to continue. “Captain Beard was driving us to our footy match against Coventry Alvis. There was a pretty abrupt downpour, and a blue Toyota Hiace slid into the roundabout and that’s when we hit it. This is what caused Mr. Beard’s vehicle to careen off the road.”
“Thank you Mr. Whitford. Officer Jenkins, you took the account of the driver of said Toyota Hiace?”
“Yes, your honour, it correlates with Mr. Whitford’s testimony,” she replied.
“Thank you, and why was this man not immediately sent to a hospital?”
“He was, but he ran from the paramedics and took off into the woods screaming about his treasure,” recounted the officer.
The judge glanced at Mr. Beard in time to witness him measure two fingers above the waterline of his glass and fill the gap from his hip flask.
“It is clear to me that this man-”
“Captain!” interjected the middle-aged accountant.
“-Captain, has suffered a serious concussion and requires medical treatment immediately, given the evidence put forth by the witnesses, this case is dismissed.”
“You’ve not seen the last of Captain Beard!”
“Get out please.”